I know it’s late in the day for a blog post, but I kept thinking about some of you this morning and couldn’t shake it. As I walked this morning, I was thinking about Facebook, Twitter and all the other vehicles of Social Media, it’s easy to always put success out there for people to see. But we all know that behind every single success is a hundred rejections. At least, those have been the numbers I’ve experienced. And yet, we don’t often tweet about our failures. I have yet to see a photographer tweet “Just lost a wedding to someone else, feel like a loser.” 🙂 If we are going for our dreams, wholeheartedly, we are bound to experience rejection, let downs, excited expectations falling through to disappointment. These let downs can be super big or really small, but if we don’t do “something” with them…we will start to feel swallowed by them.
When Brian and I were shooting weddings, I would pour my heart into the consultation phone calls with brides. Every time I got off the phone, I felt so vulnerable. I wasn’t trying to sell them a product, I was selling them on ME. Can you get more vulnerable? Some clients won’t book you because of pricing or other logistics. But you know those times you meet a bride or talk with her over the phone, and you think “I’m meant to book this wedding. I’ve got this.” And they end up booking another photographer to your surprise. Those disappointing moments are the ones I’m talking about. When the bride would book us, I’d see the heavens open up and hear the angels reaffirm I was a great wedding photographer. But when the bride decided to go with someone else, uff, the fall was so hard and I would wonder if I should just give up our business all together. No in between, extreme reactions all the way around.
This kind of roller coaster became TOTALLY exhausting. I realized I needed to do something with my disappointment. So I started an exercise for myself.
When a booking fell through–one that I really believed in–I recorded the date on my calendar. Weddings are often booked 9-18 months out. I knew that if I didn’t record the date, I’d never remember. And you know what I found? Eight out of ten times, something else ended up happening on those same dates!! Not even something else, but something more important. Sometime we’d end up shooting a bigger wedding, one year my dad was in a car accident and I was so thankful I ended up being in town that week, the “more important” came in all shapes and sizes. Seeing this happen enough times started to build my faith that there is a greater plan outside the moment of rejection. The client’s decision to go with another photographer wasn’t always about me or my talent. Do you know what I mean?
Here is a recent example of how this still happens for me…
Last month, I released Florida Mini Sessions. I have always sold out our Mini Sessions no matter what city I’m in. And for some reason, no one was booking a Mini for Florida. I felt the shadows creep toward me with those accusing voices “No one in Florida wants you to take their family photo. You are a failure. You should be embarrassed.” etc. etc. Instead of letting those persistent voices get the best of me, I wrote down the date on my calendar–wondering if something else was meant to happen instead. Only time would tell.
Weeks later, The Nate Berkus Show asked me to come back for one last taping with Nate. (so sad his show is ending soon) The date of the taping happened to be the day before the Minis in Florida were supposed to happen. If I had booked those Minis in Florida, it would have been so hard to be in NYC first and then get to Florida in time. On top of that, I was battling my first big head cold of the winter. When Nate walked toward me on set, I felt like he was floating in midair because I had so much cold medicine and cough suppressant in me to get through the taping. But I would have been so sad to miss this last taping. I’ve come to love his whole crew. We’ve worked together for two years. And even the sound guys, I simply adore.
But when the taping was over, I crashed hard. I spent most of Friday in the hotel bed sleeping, trying to recover for the workshop the next day. And by Saturday morning I felt FANTASTIC, like a new woman. But I can’t imagine trying to do four Mini Shoots in the mix of that.
Last night, another situation unfolded. This one was much bigger. It’s a project that I had worked on for over nine months. When I got word last year that the project was falling through, I was devastated. So much time, and at the moment, it all felt like wasted time. I wrote the dates down with disappointment wrapped around me. But last night, a few things happened that made everything clear. And this morning I walked with the dog, thanking God for closing that door last year.
As an artist, one who supports her family and builds a life around creating, I must believe that there is a Creator that is bigger than me. I must believe that when things fall through, there may be more to the future story…instead of letting the taunting voices tell me I’ve failed. A beginning artist experiences failure and instantly sees this as a reflection of her art and abilities. Sadly, she is often convinced to stop creating. A seasoned artist experiences the same amount of failure, if not more, and sees this as evidence of her tenacity despite the lack of guarantees.
The next time you lose a wedding or a portrait session or a proposal to someone else, write the date down that it would have happened. And together, we will wait in expectation of what is yet to unfold. In the meant time, keep creating.
Let’s encourage each other. If you’ve experienced rejection or disappointment in the last six months, tell us if you are still pushing forward and creating in the comments below. The key: Not allowing shame to have a place as you pursue your dreams.
xo,
m
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YES to this! this whole month has been one of feeling rejected in my art, but also in relationships. i was dating a guy who felt like a dream, felt like a fit, and he randomly decided to end things with me. i felt so rejected & disappointed. literally a few days after that, a guy i have met once or twice over the past two years emailed me out of the BLUE and asked me out to lunch 🙂 we went yesterday and it was one of the best dates i’ve been on. can’t wait for the next one! anyway…… thanks for sharing this perspective me ra. (and i blogged about my experience with shame here, with some self portraits: http://abeautifulmess.org/index.php/opposite-of-shame-by-shannon-leith/ )
This is such a great post MeRa! I am going to start doing this. There is always a greater reason behind everything! Thanks for the reminder! I look forward to seeing you in a couple weeks 🙂 I am going to introduce you to my mom she is coming with me to Vegas!!!!
I haven’t been writing the dates down, but I have noticed the exact same thing over the years! Every single time I don’t book something, something else happens on that day, proving it was meant to be. Most recently? I didn’t book a wedding on the day we ended up closing on our house that we had had for sale for 6 months. Would have been quite a hassle if I had had that wedding that day!
Thank you for the reminder!
me ra, you will always have big things coming – waiting to see what comes next!
🙂
So true! You never know what God had planned instead.
<3 This 🙂 You're always so postitive MeRa and think outside the box…such and Inspiration 🙂
Mera, thank you SO much for sharing this piece of your life with the world. I am so grateful that I got the chance to meet you & Brian & that both of you have let your spirits shine on my life. These last few months I have felt like such a failure & after working so hard for so long that I have no reserves left to keep going. Yet somehow, everyday I get out of bed & keep plugging ahead. I experience many moments like those you talk about: not booking something smaller because something bigger or more important is coming & you need your energy & reserves for that. It’s like God knows & your world aligns itself just for that purpose, and our short sight just can’t see the big picture yet. Thank you for reminding me that I have to have faith that the big picture, huge, important stuff is truly just around the corner.
I love the idea of writing the date down.
great thoughts mera. 🙂
I have been held back for so long all because of this. Fear of being rejected, not good enough, etc..
Brilliant & sincere, thank you Me Ra for being you!
MeRa…you amaze me. Thank you. Thank you for being real and connecting with us. I needed this. My marriage of 22 years ended in October. All the plans and dreams for the future, all that I thought my life was about and who I was…was suddenly not so clear any more. The feelings of rejection and confusion have left me sitting in a pile on the floor sometimes. I LOVE your idea of writing things on the calendar, recognizing the space that was left and intentionally watching for what God will have for us instead. New Year’s Day, we were given the opportunity at church to come to the cross and take communion…to give our “times”, our days to God and I realized as I spoke with the Pastor that my LIFE was now a blank slate. Talk about an empty spot on the calendar! I had no idea what my life was to be now and still really don’t. But, I am beginning to get small glimpses of direction.
We had moved to WA from TN four years ago…as a family. Now, although it was NOT part of MY original plan, my son and I are returning to TN. After I took the the painful step of booking flights, therefore solidfying this huge change in my life’s direction, I saw your post about speaking in Nashville for the first time. Do you know that I arrive just one day before you!!! I am hoping that God has plans for me to be at that conference. It would be an amazing way to start my new life. BUT, if that door doesn’t open…I’ll mark it on my calendar and see what more important things God has planned for those dates.
Your words today are so helpful to me, MeRa. Sending much love and gratitude your way.
MeRa, this is so true, to so many things in our lives. I believe that things happen for reasons. That if its meant to be, then it will happen, if not, then something better will come along. Whether it has to do with photography, or a job loss, love, or a disappointment in something you in your heart really wanted. We might not understand when the situation is happening around us, but when we look back on it days, weeks or years later, things really worked out for the best. I love your idea about writing down the date..and see what unfolds.. Thank you for sharing.
Me Ra, this was beautiful and brave–brave both to share it, and your initial moments of writing these disappointments down on the calendar. I have sensed the same thing but never set out to prove it to myself, and I know I need that proof!
Oh Merah! This post came at the right time. I totally know what you mean. I’ve been hoping and praying for something in my life and just now got some disappointing news. I’ve got to believe that God has a bigger plan in store for me, but right now it still hurts. I will right down the date and stay in faith that one day I will know the reason why it didn’t happen. Thank you!!!
MeRa – I LOVE this post. My gosh I need to start your practice of writing the date. I must say as I read this I thought of my first daughter Bella. The one we lost. Her due date was January 23rd 2010. We lost her in September of 2009. My gosh the disappointment in losing our Bella devastating. But 5 days before that January 23rd due date we bought our first single family house and found out we were pregnant again all in the same day. The following month I went to my first photography workshop. As hurtful as it still is that we lost our baby girl I have to believe that there was something bigger at work in putting together a different path for me.
The disappointment factor has been creeping in even bigger recently and I am going to start writing dates down again to remind me that there may be a reason why something doesn’t always go as we hope it will and something even bigger and better may be on the horizon.
Love your perspective, always. xo.
Thank you! What a great new way to look at life’s happenings. You have blessed many people with this post by being so vulnerable. I will use this in all parts of my life.
Whether your current struggle is a personal or professional one, remember there is “good” in every situation. You have to trust me on this one because after being “tested” many times over in my life, it has proven to be so very true. At the time of the discouragement, sadness or frustration, your emotions may get in the way of seeing clearly the good in that situation. In hindsight, sometimes years later, when the dust has settled, only then may you see in 20/20 vision. But if you’ve been through this as much as I have, you learn to find it increasingly faster. The positive will reveal itself to you when you are ready and need it most.
Remember that times of frustration builds character. How we handle the tough times (after the initial shock wears off) is so important. Handled with eyes that look forward instead of down or looking behind, can increase our strength and fuel our drive. There will be no growth if we only succeed.
A life of mistakes, lessons learned and the will to move forward…that is the life I want to have and choose to live. For me, there is no other way. I truly believe that making the most of every moment – not just the ones that feel good – will only result in happiness and success. xo
what a great last minute most. So powerful. Very encouraging. So timely too. Some things fall through so other opportunities, meetings, connections can happen instead. You’ve lifted and filled my heart today.
MeRa, that was fantastic. And it speaks truth to so many areas, not just one’s art or professional endeavors. <3
I am so moved by all your stories in the comments. It shows again how life is this full bodied, rich journey with big, life changing moments. How we put our heart into what we care about. How we risk again and again, even though we are afraid. Your comments show how much courage live and breathes among us.
Some moments end in disappointment, and the temptation to shut down our voice–think we have heard wrong and go home–is so overwhelming at times…especially when deep pain is there. But to read your beautiful stories, your day to day challenges, Beryl–your baby, Shannon–a heart’s desire to love and be loved for who you are, Andrea–22 years to feel lost (I would LOVE to see your beautiful face in TN–and if not, know I’m going to be praying for you as I fly there)…I’m so honored to grow and walk with all of you. Truly.
The voice was so small this morning. It invited me to sit and write this. I said no at first. All the stats show that posting a blog that late in the day isn’t worth doing. My to-do list is insanely long with how much I’ve been on the road. But the house was quiet, and the voice would not let go.
So glad I didn’t listen to the stats today and listened to my heart instead.
Love you all,
m
Good word, MeRa. Good word. Great reminder that Facebook & other social media are a highlights reel for other photographers. Just the ups; not the downs. Love the practice of writing down the dates. Will try that.
Thank you, MeRa…that means the world to me.
So so true . . . I’m one of my worst critics and seem to ride so high when things go my way and than the big crash when they don’t. As my husband says, I’m fairly good at jumping off the deep end. After I got home from our workshop this past weekend, I kept saying to myself, you have to find some balance and not let your emotions get away with you. I have to believe in myself and not always look for the external validation. Look what Me Ra has overcome and accomplished. Be Me Ra! Easier said than done, right. But your post couldn’t have come at a better time for me (always so fascinating to me how people come into your lives just when you need them most) and it’s helping keep me somewhat in the shallower end of the pool for now . . . Implementing my 24 hour rule. Always hurts more initially and after 24 hours I seem to gain a little better perspective. Hoping it will help and really appreciate you sharing this post!!! I really needed it!
This really resonated with me when you spoke about it on Sunday, Me Ra. This shame can manifest itself on so many levels, and is just not worth the energy it takes when it sits there with you, which would be better/more constructively used elsewhere!
Amazing u shared this just now. I do the same thing! I don’t actually record the dates down but I’m super-aware that after 12 years in biz the fact that my website went down (permanently) over the holidays (engagement season) at the same time my mom was having a stroke 8 hrs away was no random crazy coincidence . I knew I needed to cut back on weddings in 2011/2012, so I could continue to spend a week a month with her! She is fighting for her life and has a body riddled with cancer. Her bones an internal organs and a mess. I was almost relieved the site crashed, my email inbox was bouncing emails back to the senders and my 2 ’employees’ bailed (one had sick kids and the other a grandfathers funeral) at te height of holiday rush! I dropped everytthing To go be with my mom without thinking twice. I don’t have much time left with her and know there is a reason For not booking a bunch of weddingS this year. I feel blessed To have reached this understanding early in my career when miscarriage and pregnancies were complicating my bookings. I hope all your readers (‘newbies’ and seasoned) can learn this from just reading this Wonderful post and not experiencing it 1st hand. 🙂
pls tell Karen I said hi next time u touch base. I’ve been ‘neglecing’ her these days for afore mentioned reasons. Keep up the good work! I missed your Xmas card this year! 😉 I couldn’t send them this year. 🙁
xoxoxo,
B
right at this very moment – i needed to hear this. thank you, friend. xo
Me Ra,
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your experience with us; your honest words are refreshing and encouraging!
I love how you write of the tenacity of the seasoned artist – I strive to be her!
This “season of waiting” in my life has seen many closed doors on a personal and professional level. Yet somehow I find the strength in myself and in the Creator to keep going. Some days I find it helpful to just take a break from writing entirely (although that can be hard because my brain is always dreaming up words).
You write that “together, we will wait in expectation of what is yet to unfold. In the meant time, keep creating.” Yes! Count me in.
Love this! Thanks for sharing!
Me Ra — you never fail to bless!!! What an encouraging post.
I so easily plummet into the depths when disappointment hits. Thanks for some inspiration on how to climb out of it.
Such a great idea, I have never thought of that. I will give that a try. None of us like to be rejected but there is usually a reason and now hopefully I will see why. Thanks MeRa!!!
oh wow….. awesome post! This reminds me of that katy perry song! (Seriously, just read the lyrics to Firework, they’re DIVINE!) “Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed, so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road.”
I Try to think of this every time I don’t get something I want. Every time I get rejected, or every time something falls through. Every time I get frustrated about my dreams coming true or when I start to feel like they never will.
Totally inspiring me to sit and write for my blog. I never do and I should start – your words inspire me constantly, Id love to inspire someone too 🙂
xoxoxoxoxo
Beautiful post, MeRa.
I have been struggling with this for the past month. I have been devastated with what seemed like the last straw in my booming 12 yr old interior design business. I am not ashamed to say that God and only God has kept me from quitting completely this week and that He has surrounded me with friends (like the one who shared this post…thanks Karen) and the support of family to remind me He has something greater. I am writing dates on my calendar now. Thanks for sharing! Amazing!
[…] “I must believe that there is a Creator that is bigger than me. I must believe that when things fall through, there may be more to the future story…together, we will wait in expectation of what is yet to unfold. In the meant time, keep creating.” Me Ra Koh, “When Things Fall Through, What Do We Do?” […]
thank you for these thoughts me ra 🙂 — been wrestling with those tendencies to define success by acceptance and bookings versus functioning with more grace, trust, discernment and letting go of the freakish clamoring for affirmation. giving my business to a God who is bigger than me and my business continues to be a daily surrender…thank you for adding some momentum and ‘hurrah’ to the adventure 🙂
Amen! Thank you so much for sharing Me Ra! I gave in too much to disappointment last week and lost sight of Who was really in control!
Oh MeRa, this post is exactly what I needed to wake up to this morning. Thank you for helping me remember exactly what I believe in. Everything happens for a reason.
Everything.
You continue to inspire me daily, love you lots and lots.
I am going to start doing this…I know it will make a huge difference in my faith.
So very helpful, definitely going to try this exercise. Thanks for sharing MeRa 🙂
Your posts that you write from the “dark places” are so beautiful and inspirational. You are absolutely right that it is often not about us at all when something doesn’t happen the way we planned, and then we are at the right place where we need to be as a result.
Thanks Me Ra
Thank you SO much for sharing this. I’m just working out the business side of things to start my photography business. What a wonderful perspective you’ve shared and I hope to remember these wise words as I head out on my new adventure.