Artist Living

My Beginning Will Not Be My End

Me Ra Koh

(warning: it’s a long one)

We met 18 years ago.  We were both signed up for a church youth conference and ended up sitting next to each other as the van drove us all from Seattle to Anaheim, CA.  “My name is John Louviere.  Think of groovy-hair because my hair is so groovy, except Loooo–viere.”  John made me laugh for hours on end.  Eighteen years later, he still makes me laugh.

As the conference ended, the speaker invited anyone who wanted to come up for prayer.  John and I sat in the back and watched hundreds of kids go forward.  There were four or five empty chairs in between us.  I remember the details, even the most random, like it happened yesterday.

Out of nowhere, John started crying.  His crying turned to deep weeping.  It made me tear up as I watched this guy let go.  Four or five people gathered around him and asked if he needed prayer.  His next words would shift my life forever.  John said, “No, I’m okay.  For some reason, I just can’t stop crying for her.”  And then he pointed at me.

Pause.

Rewind.

I was on the fence about attending the Youth Conference.  My life was falling apart.  I had just been issued a court date regarding my date rape.  I wasn’t able to go home.  I was afraid.  I felt alone.  The man who had raped me was now stalking me, trying to terrorize me out of taking this to court.  All of a sudden, the idea of escaping to California for a week sounded perfect—much needed.  There was so much hurt inside me, so much shock from what had been done to me, that I couldn’t even cry.  I would try to cry, and I couldn’t.  I felt so hard inside—so afraid.

John said, “No, I’m okay.  For some reason, I just can’t stop crying for her.”  He pointed at me.  I felt like a truck had hit me, and then hot tears started to burn down my face.  All the coldness and anger that I felt started to fall out in angry tears, tears of grief, tears of rejection, tears of deep, deep pain.

I’ve thought about that moment hundreds of times.  Part of me didn’t want to cry over the pain I was feeling because I didn’t want to feel more alone.  Getting in touch with your pain can often separate you even more from the ones you love.  But to see John in my pain, grieving it in some mysterious way that we have never figured out since, I wasn’t alone all of a sudden.  It was okay for me to let down, let the tears come, let the pain come to make way for the healing.

Brian and I like to tease John nowadays—we tell him he’s responsible for me starting to cry and the fact that I have never stopped crying!  I cry so much and so frequently that I’ve given up all mascara.  🙂  But the truth is that God used John in a powerful way that shifted my future.  My beginning would not be my end.

After staying with us the last two weeks, John pulled out of town yesterday. He’s en route to his next city in the midst of his House Concert Tour. He’s got his guitar, a set list of original songs, and he’s taking a risk.

I remember when John first started learning to play guitar.  He took it up so fast, and before we knew it—he was playing us original songs.  For almost twenty years, he’s dreamed of taking his music more serious—doing some kind of tour.  But he’s been afraid.  And he’ll be the first to say it.

I wasn’t the only one with a sad story when we first met.  John is from a family of addicts.  He was left as a small boy to raise himself—literally.  The things that his parents did to him and didn’t do are impossibly cruel.  His self worth used to be non existent.  His confidence…there wasn’t any.  His dreams—he believed he wasn’t worthy enough to have them.  His future—who had energy to care.  And yet, he kept writing and playing music.  Despite all the pain, his creative side would not let him forget his potential.  So after years of deciding to keep his music inside—not wanting to risk rejection—he decided to LEAP.

For the last two months, John has traveled up the West Coast doing house concert after house concert.  When he pulled into town to have his concert at our home, I thought I knew what to expect.  Brian and I have listened to John’s songs for years.  But this was different.  We were always safe people for him to play his music to.  But a living room of forty strangers, there’s nothing safe-sounding about that.

As he started, I sat in my living room and watched my old friend transform before my very eyes.  I saw him perform in a way that I have never seen him perform.  I saw something powerful unleash itself from his creative spirit, and I could see him someday on a stage in front of thousands.

The dream didn’t seem dreamy or impossible, but absolute.  The transformation was so striking that Brian and I stayed up until almost 2am talking with him afterwords—so giddy, so excited—so amazed!

He had this in him all along, but there was never a need for the confidence to rise and show itself.  If he would have kept going through life and never taken the risk to do these House Concerts, he may have never known how strong he really is.  His beginning is not his end.

I watched my two babies listen to his music.  Blaze hid behind the couch, and peaked out from behind once in a while.  I wondered how his little spirit was taking in the experience.  Pascaline sat next to me and Lindsay.  She LOVED it all.  Brian stood in the back recording the night, big smile of pride on his face.

As John pulled away, headed to the next city on his tour list, I couldn’t help but remember the day we met.  We were both so broken.  We had so much pain and loss in our lives.  And yet, we laughed as we drove to Anaheim.  Our tomorrows seemed so hopeless at the time, why not sit and joke with a new friend.

In the years to come, we would both walk through even darker hours of pain.  Our storms were not finished with us yet.  The dark night of the soul had yet to come.  But almost twenty years later, I see the impossible right in front of me.  We both kept going.  We never gave up.  We kept creating with no hope or assurance of where our creations would end up—who would see them, be blessed by them, if they would ever even be seen at all.

I see my babies watching John, listening to his guitar make the sounds of a dozen instruments at once.  I wonder if they hear the song of hope.  The song that sings the truth—my beginning will not be my end.

We love you John.

Me Ra

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  1. I love this MeRa. Thank you for sharing from way down deep in your heart and soul. I was blessed this day by your story of two people who had such an emotional revelation/connection in a moment. This very profound moment will be remembered by both of you for lifetime. It is amazing how at the point of complete surrender, we gain strength and encouragement by some especially appointed people at an especially appointed place and time. I trust your encounter was no accident in the Kingdom of God. He is good and right on time. Very powerful testimony indeed! Keep smiling and keep encouraging others. You have encouraged me today. Thank you & sending you all kinds of sisterly love from South Louisiana. Michelle

  2. Tammy Snyder says:

    Thank you for sharing MeRa. It is encouraging to many, including myself, to keep going in the midst of personal tragedies. To allow God to pick up the pieces and make “beauty from ashes” and allow Him to take us above the storms and soar. You are blessed with the gift of encouragement to so many women~thank you!

  3. Lee says:

    I find your courage just amazing and love how you share so much of yourself. It is truly inspiring!

  4. shawna says:

    What! That wasn’t a long post :O) I could listen to you guys’ stories all night. In fact, when we all got up and stretched our legs at the end, I couldn’t believe how late it was – I usually don’t lose track of time! It was a wonderful night, and I can’t thank you both enough for how much of yourselves you shared. John is such an inspiration to just DO it. See yourself succeed at last and just GO for it. I’m so glad he did.

  5. TracyK says:

    MeRa you continue to inspire me. Thank you for sharing your heart and your talent.

  6. Gary says:

    This is a very beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing Me Ra.

  7. Kim Preston says:

    Thank you for sharing Me Ra…..this is inspirational and makes me smile thinking of the hope that you have instilled in everybody reading this. Overcoming adversity and following your dreams is so scary, but you and John have both shown that it can be done. Big hugs!!!

  8. Mera,

    John’s sweetness an inner light has always shone so brightly. I’m so glad to hear it will now reach even more people through his music!

  9. Natalie says:

    Me Ra,
    I was so touched by John’s tendersness and honesty in his lyrics and his boldness to follow the person at the door telling him all will be okay…just take the leap! I am so glad he did. I hope that he will continue to play his heart’s content and contunie to shine so bright with that sweet voice of his! Thanks for letting my in your home to enjoy his music.
    I love the pastor/marrying story too :)!

  10. Anonymous says:

    So… I read this post this morning… at 7a.m… and cried. I’ve read it another 4 times since… and have been on to John’s site to listen to his beautiful music. As much as I am unsure of what to write… I feel in my heart that I must leave a comment on this post. So here goes…

    John… your testimony hits my core. It makes my unspoken testimony feel more real… one that I will hopefully be open enough to share one day. Having a parent that has been an addict my entire life… made me hang on to Me ra’s words as she wrote about you… and your upbringing. My heart ached for your pain… and cheered for your victories. I myself am an artist as well… and at times I find my photography, my creative side… saves me… saves my spirit… and keeps me from seeing only a world of shame and brokeness and hardness that I have held on to all of my life. A month ago when I found her… and she looked into my eyes after taking 30 pills… I saw death in her eyes. I did what I have always had to do since I was a child and tried to help her. Taking in the sterile surroundings of the E.R. room that day… made me think… “Is it over yet? Is her life over? Does she have to fight anymore? The addiction? Please God, is it over yet?” It wasn’t over… it was just another cycle in the life of an addict. And though this addiction is not even mine to own… it has consumed my life for far to many years. I am broken. I am angry. I am lost. When I say that your testimony (via Me Ra) spoke to me… please know that it did. Truly. You are an inspiration… and a God sent… and I feel your purpose here will touch many, many people…

    Me Ra… you continue to share your writings at such a time… when I (and others I’m sure of)… need to read it most. You are surely a God sent… and I pray He continues to bless you and your family. I am normally the one that inspires others via my words… or my photography… but really inside… I am needing to have a major “Let Go” experience. Soon. From the bottom of my heart… I thank you so much for just being you!

    Much love to you both!

    P.S. All of the photos in this post are beautiful.

  11. christina says:

    WOW… all I had to do was read the title and I was sunk… that’s my life.. ny beginning will not be my end.. I love that.. and I’m thinking I should give up mascara too.. I resignate with his tetsimony so much.. and thru your words you just tapped into my core.. I am just beginning my journey of letting go and enbracing all that is around me.. what a great story, moment wow… god is amazing.. and I love how he is using you… thank you for both of your stories.. it only wants to make me SOAR more.. know that are beginning does’nt have to be are end…

  12. christina says:

    Sorry about my typos.. smart phone keyboards are to small.. and the tears don’t help..

  13. Melinda says:

    That last picture says it all. John is part of your family. How blessed you are to have such wonderful friends in each other.

  14. Genie says:

    beautiful. just beautiful. every drop, breath, sentence, word, letter.

  15. Sue Christianson says:

    Thank you so much for sharing MeRa! How touching, How encouraging, How amazing is this story!!!

    Thanks

  16. Me Ra says:

    speechless…
    whenever i post something that is more vulnerable than most days, i worry that I’ve shared to much this time…
    and then I get online to see if anyone else is connecting, and I found all of you here.
    this blog post came knocking at my heart’s door as john was pulling out of town. thank you for every word you’ve written in response. your responses let me know that i wasn’t imagining the knock.
    and thank you for all the emails you’ve sent today, sharing your heart’s story. i am so honored to share this journey with all of you.
    m

  17. Tina says:

    Wow, what a beautiful blog entry!! You and John are so blessed to have each other. I believe nothing happens by chance and this truly was a gift from God for you two to have crossed paths. A gift that has been obviously treasured for many years. How lucky are you two?!!! The pictures express so much love and joy……it truly puts a smile on my face. Wishing John all the best on his tour……off to hear his music…….does he have a CD?!

    And MeRa, please don’t ever worry that you have over shared. You strike a chord with so many women/readers that it’s at times refreshing to know one is not alone with hauntings from the past.

    And I know from meeting you, my life changed drastically. I had tried to come to an earlier workshop but it filled up so quickly and now looking back I know the reasons why I had to wait for another one to open up. It’s all so clear to me now and so thankful I had to wait and so thankful I had the chance to meet you and Brian.

  18. john louviere says:

    my turn . . .

    it’s hard to express the unexpected nature of a friendship such as ours. but it just won’t go away. i mean, how long are friendships supposed to go on for?! one can only do so much high-fiving, crying and laughing, right? [i jest].

    but seriously, i have few others like it. friendships as emothionally honest, vulnerable and hillarious. you guys have, in many ways, become for me – familiar. you, a sister. brian, a brother. pascers – the neice i adore. and blazers – the nephew who keeps me laughing and thinking.

    brian and mera – in more ways than just about anyone – you KNOW me. but you forever have gone beyond just knowing. you have always loved and affirmed me as a friend and have always spoken your mind with me. i adore you both and cannot shake the love i feel for your kids. and although i was driving to my own physical home in salt lake city, leaving your driveway was sad indeed. waving goodbye – argh.

    also – so, yeah – the crying in anaheim thing . . . that was amazing, and trippy, and kinda funny in it’s own way, and a gloriously sneaky way for God to bring us togehter as friends.

    love you – John

  19. Rhonda says:

    I’m so glad I didn’t get to this post until now, because these comments are just as much a blessing as the post.
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE the thought that my beginning will not be my end.
    I see a theme of God using giftedness in some sort of art form to bring about healing and restoration.
    MeRa, the more I hear of your story, the more I am in awe of the amazing God we serve. Just WOW!
    xoxo

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    Hello, your page is really interesting. I comletely agree with you and would like to see more passion here.Thanks and see you soon on your blog.:)

  21. Judith says:

    Me Ra,
    Your story touched me in ways I cannot even describe. Through your words I have rediscovered my own Jewish faith and feel so much more connected then I ever did. To the point I now don’t feel guilty in sending my 6 year old to religous school twice a week and my 2 year old to a jewish preschool.
    I have made you something (I know that sounds corny) and would really like to mail it to you. Would you please email me your address at silverjphoto(dot)gmail(dot)com.
    Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. You inspire me everyday to seek my dreams and keep my faith in what I believe in.
    ?
    Judith

  22. Aisha says:

    What an inspiring story. As I take my own leap of faith, it helps to have stories of those who’ve done it and succeeded. Good luck to you and your family and I look forward to more great reads and information.

    Aisha

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