Today’s blog post has been on my heart to write for the last few weeks. It’s not meant for everyone to read. Some of you will not connect at all, and some of you will connect right away.
If I had to pinpoint the audience that I’m writing this for, it would be those who sit in the back row or hide away in the balcony when they visit a church. Maybe you’re one of these people and know exactly what I mean. You’re the one whose heart is broken in pieces, but often feels like you don’t fit in when going to church because everyone around you looks so “put together”. If you’ve ever slipped in late, sat in the back row or hid in the balcony, only to leave early, this is my New Year’s card to you.
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While in college, I visited a certain tree every day. It was the largest tree at the park, looming over every thing else, as if keeping a watchful eye.
During the summer I would take my favorite book and blanket and fall asleep reading, lulled by the song of the tree’s dancing leaves. In the fall I would gather the fallen red leaves and hang them up at home in the windows of my small apartment. And then one spring I went away for several weeks. This was the spring I checked myself into a psychiatric ward in CA.
For those of you who don’t know, a bit of background is necessary. Before becoming a photographer, I was a writer. Before becoming a dedicated writer, I had experienced being raped. During this experience, I hit a point of being so low that I felt I had no other way out but to check myself into a psychiatric ward. It was the toughest and best thing I ever did. There isn’t a day that goes by when I am not thankful for the lessons learned in the hospital. But at the time, I only felt pain.
When I was released from the clinic, I was told my best friend had committed suicide. The tragic news ate away at my own desire to live, and I began to sink to a low that was dark and lonely. I had nowhere to go. One day I went back to the tree.
I’ll never forget the morning. It was a cold morning, with frost on the ground and a bitterness biting at me. I saw the tree from a distance. It was all alone, barren, and exposed to the cold wind. Without even thinking if anyone was watching, I ran to the tree and screamed at it. I told the tree I hated every thing about it. How dare the tree stand there in the wind, naked and alone. How dare the tree look so dead. How dare the tree mirror me.
I went up to it and with both hands broken one of its branches. There was a part of me that wanted to destroy the tree, destroy me. But when I fell to the hard ground, hot tears began to burn down my face. I was so tired, so empty. And that’s when I noticed it. It was only the size of a ballpoint, but it was there. A small circle of green in the middle of the branch. I broke the branch again, and yes, the green was running through the center still. The tree was alive despite how dead it looked on the outside. Could I be living too on the inside, despite how barren I was on the outside? Could I actually be growing, preparing for a new season of life that would bring a new color and fullness I had not yet known. I was scared to hope. I took the branch with me and carried it underneath the front seat of my car for the next two years.
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A couple weeks ago, Brian and I took the kids to our college pastors retirement party. Ed and Carolyn, they were life savors during many season of our own barrenness.
Carolyn said she and Ed watched the DVD series, and she felt like a proud parent. Then she started to cry (which of course made me cry). She said, “Me Ra, when I finished watching the first DVD and all the interviews of you and Brian, I looked at Ed and said, I will never forget the sound of wailing in the balcony. A cry of pain so deep, the whole church sat silent as God moved. That was you Me Ra, so much pain and yet you are still here with all this around you.”
There were many more Sundays to follow where I would cry. I remember being afraid that if I ever started to cry, I would never stop. And yet, the familiar, safe whisper came that says, “But still, we must start Me Ra. We must start.”
I hope I have not been to disclosing with you, I can’t say I didn’t warn you in the beginning of the post. But the truth is that the last few weeks I have been going through my day and certain faces will come to mind. Faces I have met and some I have never met. Faces with the same look I had when I went and yelled at my tree. I know in my heart that some of these faces are your faces.
I see myself kneeling beside your barren tree and praying you will find strength to stand despite the cold winds. I pray you will hold on until you experience the deep healing of your shame being covered and your nakedness no longer exposed. I pray you will somehow know growth is happening inside, even though you feel as if you look dead to the world.
My dear, nameless friend, you are not dead. You are very much alive, and I am holding a vigil in my heart for you.
Pain is suffocating, but if you hear any thing I say, hear me when I say pain passes. Every storm passes. Some leaves us with scars and much grief, but the storm, the cold, bitter storm does calm down.
If I had a verse to give to you for 2008, it would be the following;
“I shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever she does shall prosper.” Psalm 1:3
You will be this tree.
This April 2008 will be my 15 year anniversary since being released from the clinic. I’m drafting out a new book that has the working title “30 Lessons Learned in the Psych Ward.” It is a wonderful project, my own personal project.
2008 has already unveiled wonderful things Brian and I can’t wait to share. But if it’s encouraging…before the wonderful things, before feeling the verse come true “whatever she does shall prosper”, there was the wailing in the balcony.
There were days I screamed at a barren tree in a public park. There was the day I voluntarily checked myself in, heard double doors lock behind me, with a sign that read Psychiatric Ward. Had I really gone crazy? Would I ever not feel crazy inside? Would I ever stop crying. These are not skeletons for me but places of incredible growth that I’m so fortunate to share with you.
This is the truth. You will be your own tree. Your will bring forth fruit, beautiful, unique fruit, in your season. Your leaves will no longer wither. You will be planted by the waters.
I hold this promise for you and walk into 2008.
Me Ra, thank you for this post. As you know, 2007 kicked my ass. Thank you for reminding me and inspiring me to look at my struggles as areas of growth and grace with fruit that is forthcoming. I will be re-reading this post many times in the days to come. Love you!
Thanks Me Ra. Ive being going through a tough time. And dont have the heart to speak to anybody about it. Thers no hope. Looks like ive screwed up another relationship which otherwise would have been beautiful.. Cant forgive myself. Your write-up gives me hope. Love Ann.
Thank you for being so bold to speak from the heart. 2007 was an extremely rough year for me and my family. I have been counting down for the year to end with those dead eyes you speak of. And am reminded of the hope that those branches give to small buds. I pray for growth out my dead branches and am lifted by your words.
Thank you in many ways.
How moving this post was. How much I didn’t realize I was going to burst out crying. 2007 sucked for my family. I am determined 2008 will be better. But the last couple days haven’t been any fun:(
You are an amazing, strong woman. You probably touch women in more ways than you know. You are so encouraging to your readers, to simply take better pictures of their families all the way to starting their own photography business. And today, your post was just what I needed.
Me Ra,
That was beautiful. You are so brave to share, so strong to survive, so loved and supported and such a wonderful writer. I see the green inside the branch and remember our blood runs inside when things feel still on the outside.
Congrats on your so many ventures, and this next one, the book looks as promising as the rest! I myself feel so scattered in so many directions sometimes, and you share how you keep going and succeeding, juggling it all! 🙂
On New Years Day I bought my self a template website and a dymo labeler. I’m going to try to get my home and office more decluttered and organized and I am going to take my photography work and get it out there on the internet in a good, full and professional way. I feel great. Happy to do the work ahead when I know where to put my priorities and let other professionals help me. I too have come a long way and am happy to be here!
thanks again.
Lisa
Thank you.
I am so moved.
2007 was one of the worst years I have lived through – I still don’t know how I got through it. If it hadn’t been for my husband and daughter I am not sure I would have got through it. I am hopeful for 2008 being full of purity, hope, growth and beauty. Your post made me cry, and also makes me smile.
Thank you.
Z
Me Ra….
With tears streaming down my face, I thank you for this amazing post. We all have (or will at some point on our lives) feel deep grief, deep pain. It’s healthy to cry, healthy to scream. It’s also healthy to grow, to laugh, and to feel joy….thank you for sharing. Caron
Me Ra, I didn’t think that this would apply to me until the end when I found myself crying. spot on! Thank you.
Me Ra,
I fully echo the comments of the other ladies! I was very moved by your post. On a morning of crying in on the drive to work I looked to your post for a little cheer up only to be crying again at my desk 😉
Thank you so much for your words not just today but all the many times I and other women have been blessed by your words and thoughts. I am very thankful that god has put it on your heart to share and give to others. I appreciate your post’s and your wisdom.
Beautiful. Thank you!
Me Ra-
You are amazing in so many ways! Thank you for this post.
I wanted to thank all of you for your comments today. This is one of those posts where I know it’s on my heart to write, but the moment I post it I look at Brian and say, “Did I do the wrong thing?” Our society often sees struggles and trials as a weakness, but I know that we all agree this is the farthest thing from the truth.
You have no idea how much your comments encouraged me today. I’m so glad the words spoke to so many (including all those who have sent heart felt emails, your pain and words are kept in my heart and prayers).
We are on this journey together whether it’s one day at a time or as little as three minutes at a time.
Much love. Me Ra
Me Ra,
Thank you for sharing such a personal story to offer comfort for others. You are an amazing person.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us! It helps others to know that even through struggles there is light and love at the end of the darkness.
2006 was my rough year with a son with heart surgery, loss of loved ones and a number of other things.
I realized that although 2006 was the roughest year I had ever faced and my year was filled with tears, it was a year that blessed me with so many things. It provided me the strength to have an amazing 2007 and beyond.
Thank you, again, for opening your heart out to us.
Here’s to a new year filled with love, strength, success and life.
Me Ra,
This post is amazing. Once again, your transparency is touching lives. Sharing ones struggles & trial with others is a huge sign of strength and many many lives will be touched and encouraged through you! It is amazing to see God at work in your life and how God is using you and Brian to touch lives through photography and through the way you live.
Love you guys,
Love, Sue
So elequent, so raw, so true! I love this post and as you know, 2007 has been a roller coaster for me. I often look at my tree outside my window and can’t wait for the little green buds to show in the spring…’waiting for life to happen’…which is often the case of my life. I feel that I need someone else in my life for ‘life to start’…but this year my new year’s resolution is to appreciate me and the LIFE I have… it is here and now. I know my pain will pass…just sucks in the meantime. Thank you so much for reminding us of that. Can’t wait to read your book!
All my best to you! Look at how FAR you’ve come…UNBELIEVABLE…actually, very believable! Happy 2008!
Me Ra –
I agree with the others….you have given us all a great gift by being so open about the difficult parts in life and the lessons that we bring forward. You are an inspiration everyday….I tell my clients about you & lead them to your website daily! Bless You!
Kay
Me Ra,
Thank you.
Wow!
How very beautiful and inspiring to share this with us, Me Ra. My daughter has gone through a very rough time lately and just sent me something via email tonight that helped both her and me. I am sending this to her because I know how much it will mean to her as well.
Don’t ever second guess your heart. It’s right 99.9% of the time, I have learned.
Me Ra,
The Burr Oak was my tree. I visited it often during my senior year of college, a year that was filled with suffering and loss.
A photograph of the grand, old Burr Oak now hangs in our bedroom, contextualized by the warmth of a home that knows the transformative, redemptive power of grace. Andrew surprised me with the photo when he asked me to marry him. He waited for hours in the cold Missouri evening to capture a time-exposure of the Burr Oak.
That photo hangs next to these 2 quotes:
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain. Pain is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
— C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
“Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last. Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others. Above all, do something for somebody else!”
— Elisabeth Elliot
It’s funny how faith takes the form of objects, concepts, gods that represent the inner workings of man and mankind. It delivers us to ideas and solutions. It veers us both away and to problems.
I heard a very poignant query in a very silly, but sweet movie recently. In it God asks the Wife of the New York Noah, Evan “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
When I heard this…it was in the middle of our divorce, a lack of funds, and a shake in my foundation of faith that began making itself known I must go this way instead of that. We have crappy neighbours, we fought over child support, and I am dealing with my own personal madness some days. The depression, the rage, at what my own mother did to me as a child until I left home. Horrible times. And yet…this line and the book “The War of Art” came to me serendipitously the same week. The Lady of Wisdom, Mighty Athena and ArchAngel Michael have been been present in my life, but this is when they converged upon me, took my face in their hands and laid it down for me. I need to move from the tree to the work and the work will prevail. Amid all my shortcomings, dropping the balls, missed deadlines, forgotten ideas, they insist that this crap that stands in the way of my success is conquerable. Had I not had it in my life, I would not have the knowledge, the Son, the talent that I do.
That tree, my sweet woman, our tree…our Grove…is a reminder that we will prevail. No one can take our soul. People can damage the spirit, they can break the will, but just as our Faith won’t let us go neither will the challenges to keep us from moving forward. Sometimes, you need to plant a new tree and look upon the old as firewood when it’s green vein runs dry.
I adore you, and have yet to meet you. The Guidance has brought your wisdom to my door and I thank them, I thank them so. We share pain, Me Ra. We share it well and with exhaultation….
Love and Honor.
I heart Me Ra Koh!!!!
This is such a beautiful post… You are such a talented writer as well as photographer…thanks!!!
Wow, what an incredible story – I may never look at a barren tree the same way again.
I have only recently come across your work and, of course, it is beautiful! But what keeps me coming back to your blog is your sweet, sweet spirit that is so evident in your entries. It is obvious that God has given you the ability to reach people’s hearts, not only through your photographs, but also with your written words.
Thank you for your willingness to share from the deepest parts of your heart. You will never know how many lives you have touched…but God does…and I have no doubt that he is well pleased!
This is one of my favorite Bible verses…one (of many) that I cling to in times of weariness & exhaustion.
Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.â€
Thank you, Me Ra…you are a inspiration!
Rachel, I can’t believe you had your own tree. Thank you for sharing. Do you think you could send me a copy of the photo Andrew took. I would love to see it. Are we not seeing eachother until March? To long my friend, to long. And thanks for the sweets!
Me Ra,
You are inspiring! As I was reading tears stream down my face. You are so honest and generous with your knowledge and experience in life. Thanks for inspiring me!
Dearest Me Ra,
Your heart, your words, your faith, your photography, your family, your very life pours out a tremendous gift of encouragement, hope and healing. From those of us who know what it is to suffer and survive, thank you! May our lives pour forth such blessings to others. I heard a song today, it simply said “When your faith is hard to find, borrow mine.” Thank you for sharing your journey and helping others hold on and have faith.
WOW!! Thank you for sharing this! Thank you for being real and open for us to see and learn from!
Many Blessing,
Nicky
I wish I had, had the courage to face my pain the way you faced yours, instead I locked it away and it ate away at every single part of my life.
Your words felt like….relief to me. It is hard for me to explain this, but I am sure in some manner you understand.
The isolation and loneliness of deep personal and hidden pain is like… that single moment you crash through the ice on a frozen lake… and you are not able to find the opening again…to life as you knew it before.
In echo of the many other women who have posted….thank you Me Ra
I’ve been broken up more than you think but it never gets better. There are ways to get them back though you have to be willing.