I seldom talk about this part of my journey, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately with the different Rising Phoenixes who come.

When I was 8 or 9 years old, the doctors found a genetic mutation in my jaw.

Think of TMJ at an extreme level. Reconstructive surgery was going to be necessary. But the surgery was very experimental back in the late 80s. Orthodontists and dentists in recent years have often told me my surgery was barbaric compared to what they do today. But I’m thankful for Dr. Paris. Every year, the pain in my jaw became worse. He was bold enough to come up with a plan to re-set my jaw and alleviate my pain.

By the time I was 16 years old, my upper and lower jaw didn’t connect when I bit down. I tore my food into small pieces because of how difficult it was to chew. My lower jaw had come so far forward that it pulled my right eye down. My upper lip had disappeared. And to top it off, the high school kids called me “landslide” because my face really did look like it was sliding away.

But the worst part was the pain in my jaw. The year leading up to my surgery, I often cried myself to sleep because the pain was unbearable. Every year Dr. Paris would x-ray my wrist to see if I was done growing. Only then would I be able to have the oral maxillofacial surgery.

My jaw surgery took over eight hours.

I woke up with my mouth wired shut and a nurse telling me the doctor gave me “heart shaped lips” because I had lost my upper lip from the severe movement of my jaw.

During the surgery, they sawed my skull from ear to ear to set my lower jaw back.
They leveled my eyes, took bone from my hip to balance my cheek bones, and gave me heart shaped lips.

I remember the first night of recovery in the hospital. My body had an averse reaction to one of the pain meds, and I started throwing up. I begged the nurse to cut my jaw open, but she couldn’t. She looked me right in the eyes and said “You need to find a way to push it out from the back of your mouth, or you will die if you swallow it.” I’ve never been so scared in my life.

A few days later, I finally got the courage to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t expect to see my face so swollen, black and blue.

I felt like I looked like a monster.

For the next three months, I had to sleep sitting up because of the constant blood drainage. My Grandpa Don took the night shift, making sure I never tipped over. My mouth was still wired shut, and if I tipped over I could choke on the blood drainage. He held my hand every night for three months, telling me stories of growing up, riding his horse to school, playing basketball, football, and that in no time we’d be swimming together again in Lake Chelan’s cold glacier water.

When I finally went back to high school, the teachers thought I was a new student.

The kids stared, some asked questions.

Through all of this I was going through some of the darkest years with my dad’s verbal abuse. My self esteem was dissolving on every level.

Despite the outward transformations of my jaw surgery, I grappled with an inner turmoil that persisted long after the visible wounds had healed. I still felt like I looked like a monster.

Isn’t that crazy?

My face no longer looked like a landslide. They had done the whole surgery from within, no stitches or scars except for my hip. And yet, even when I looked in a mirror I couldn’t see the new face I had.

Years later, I was a newlywed. In a moment of pain, I asked Brian how he could marry someone who looks like a monster.

I’ll never forget the shock on his face. “Monster? What do you mean?”

Years and years of pain broke into a thousand tears. Even though I had this amazing reconstructive jaw surgery and the physical pain was gone, I was still broken inside.

I needed a deep inner healing to see my true self.

This is part of what drives me, from the deepest level, with our Rising Phoenix Experience. I so passionately want every person to see their true self because when you do, burdens break, chains fall, you run after your dreams with more confidence, you take leaps of faith, you believe in YOU because you see how far you’ve come.

This last weekend we had two best friends fly in from Cincinnati.

They came to celebrate their individual resilience and their years of friendship. One of them lost 90 lbs in the last two years. Tears came to Heidi’s eyes when I gently asked if she still sees the woman before the weight loss.

I know what it’s like to still see a distorted view of who you once were.
And I know how heartbreaking it is to make decisions from that distorted view because you don’t believe you’re worth more.

When Heidi saw her Rising Phoenix portraits healing tears came in waves. She finally saw the truth of who she is, not only without 90lbs but her incredible resilient JOY.

Brian and I believe every morning she wakes up to see her true self, her Rising Phoenix–that resilient joy–on the wall shining back at her, that over time how she sees herself will be forever transformed. We’ve seen it happen again and again.

You’re not who you were.

If you’re still reading, my heart believes you or someone you know needs to hear my jaw story today. We can be so hard on ourselves when we don’t see what everyone else sees in us. But today, be gentle with yourself.

You’re not a monster.
You’re not who you were.
You’re not the lies and hurtful words people have spoken over you.

I believe one day you will see your true self, and it will change everything.
Until then, be kind to you.
You’ve come so far and that is worth acknowledging.

still we rise,
Me Ra

p.s. Yes, I do have titanium plates and screws all through my skull that often blow dentists away when they see my x-rays. But thankfully, I don’t sound the alarms at airports. 🙂

p.s.s. I think that’s why the below Rising Phoenix portrait means so much to me. It’s not enough for me to see my resilience. I need to see that despite all the pain, I have resilient JOY!

CLICK HERE for more beautiful details on our Rising Phoenix Experience.