Artist Living

You are Stunning…

Me Ra Koh

I’ve been a bit weepy the last few days.

Nothing major, just tears that well up, fall, then pass. I know within that it’s because this Mother’s Day is the 15 year anniversary of my close friend dying. I know from past years that I tend to get weepy the few days leading up to Mother’s Day. But knowing all this doesn’t make it easier. Isn’t it frustrating when our knowledge won’t override the expectations we put on ourselves?

Brian and I planned to celebrate Mother’s Day with the kids on Saturday b/c I was going to drive north on Sunday. I’m going to visit my friend’s grave site. Then my mom and grandma will join up with me to see a movie and have dinner. Saturday seemed to be a better day to do some fun stuff with the kids.

But without any intention to, shortly after waking up, some of my buttons were pushed and because the tears have been right there, right underneath the surface, they took us all by surprise when the flood came. Instead of getting ready to head out for the day with Brian and the kids, I was upstairs crying. I couldn’t pull it together. My past was alive and in my face. The present surrounding me felt like a fog–people and things out of reach.

As hard as I’ve worked at riding the waves of my grief with ease, they still seem to tidal wave my confidence every time.

What do you do when you so desperately want to be hugged or held but being touched is the one thing you cannot handle? What do you do when you feel like you’re letting your children down because they were so excited to do “this and that” for you, and you can’t pull it together enough to come downstairs? What do you do when the voices inside your head are taunting you, reminding you of how your pain seems to only hurt the ones you love…

Brian is waiting.

He is now in the bedroom with me, sitting on the bed. He is quiet.

I want to yell at him, blame him, tell him to leave me alone…but I know this battle isn’t with Brian. The battle is with myself.

He says, “your beautiful.”

How can he say that.

He says, “your pain, your losses, your grief…it makes you not only beautiful, but stunning.”

He says, “I know you want to be held, but I also know that being touched is to much in this moment. So I want you to know I’m okay waiting.”

I feel like I can’t breathe. The buttons that were pushed this morning were so minor to the pain that seems to be swallowing up our home. I race through all the questions, “Why can’t I be stronger than this? Why do I have to ruin Mother’s Day? What damage am I doing to my kids? Why am I such a mess? Why do I feel like damaged goods again…” The thoughts build like a cyclone inside my head.

And then–without warning–it breaks apart.

The crying transforms to wailing. Brian knows my walls have finally come down. He asks for permission to hold me. I say yes.

Pascaline stands on the other side of the door. I feel like I have failed her.

Brian invites her inside the room and says, “Pascaline, you know how you can get an owie and then it bruises? You know how it hurts when someone pushes on that bruise?” She nods. “Both mom and dad have had painful owies from when we were younger. And sometimes we push on each other’s owies without meaning too, and it makes us hurt all over again. When your older, we’ll tell you more about the things we’ve gone through, but for now, I want you to know that this is what’s going on with mom.”

I take Pascaline’s hand, hold it, give her a hug and tell her I love her. She seems to be okay and runs off to play with Blaze.

I tell Brian that I feel like I’ve ruined this Mother’s Day. He says, “Me Ra, you are the wonderful, passionate, extreme person you are because of the pain you’ve endured. You may not be put together for Pascaline today. But don’t miss the message you gave her. Despite how much you hurt, and how your hurt can separate you from the ones you love, you…you always choose to come back to us. This is the gift you give your family.”

I wanted so much more for our Mother’s Day this year. But this is what it was. The rest of our day was off. We were all exhausted from the morning. After being out for a couple hours, we came home and took long naps. We had pizza with friends and decided to save the Korean restaurant for another night.

The voices never stopped taunting me throughout the day, reminding me of how this was all my fault. You see, they are always with me. But if I could get through the day without responding to those voices, without making decisions based on those voices, then I will have won. Not a “glorious triumph” type of win. But that’s okay, a win is still a win.

To all the beautiful mothers who visit my blog, I hope you see how you’ve won time and time again. I hope you feel celebrated because of your many triumphs. Because whether physically or emotionally, you have not let your pain separate you from the ones you love. You work to not let your own voices dictate your decisions. And you are beautiful in all the things that make you strong and especially weak. You too are stunning.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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  1. Me Ra,
    So sorry you are feeling bad. Take a deep breath and look around you. I too have some extreme stuff from my past. I too have ruined a few holidays for my kids (holidays do that sometimes). But, now my kids are older and they still love me! I only wished I was more “present” less distracted while they were growing up. I lost my mom when I was young,and also my dad but I hardly visit their graves because then I would become unglued and couldn’t function, and I have to function. For my kids, but also for myself. Even just writing that brings tears to my eyes, but I have to work today! and can’t be down. It’s our feelings that make us good at capturing other people’s feelings! Kind of ironic.
    Happy Mothers Day!
    Ronnie

  2. This is the most real, beautifully raw emotion I have ever read. Keep on that path of learning to love yourself and it will always be easy for your kids to love you. Everyone is allowed to have these days, and it doesn’t stop us from being good Moms. Thank you for sharing this because I think we can all relate on some level. Have a beautiful day….see the day as just another day…another day when we just try to take it moment by moment…and if it all becomes too much…force a smile…try to smile:) Kathy

  3. Dorian says:

    Good days, bad days. YOU INSPIRE ME!
    Happy mother’s day.

  4. Kat Willcox says:

    When it hits, it hits and authentic people can’t put on a “happy face” and act their way through it, instead they experience it. I applaud that in you. Your depth, truth and feeling. Plus, your husband’s explanation of what you were going thru was SO SWEET! He obviously Rocks! I hope that today was memorable and special, please know that you are a constant source of inspiration both personality and professionally.

  5. Amie says:

    Three Minutes at a time MeRa…
    Your a strong women and your such an inspiration to so many people. Your children are blessed to have such a wonderful mother and dont ever think your letting them down. You totally inspire me and I have never meet you. I can only imagine what your kids think of you!! Happy Mothers Day and thank you for everything Your words are so encouraging and inspiring…

    Amie

  6. Caron V says:

    MeRa….
    I echo what Kathy said….this was the most honest and raw post I think I have ever read. We all have days like this….and if you have not, your days are coming at some point in your life. My mom (and best friend) died of cancer three short years ago…she died in my arms, and I watched her take her last breath. It took a long time to figure out this deep pain inside of me…and now I have come to respect and cherish this pain. What I had with my mom was the best friend, teacher, nurse, and example in life….and if I hadn’t had the 35 incredible years with her, I would feel nothing now that she is gone. I would rather have this tug at my heart every day because I miss her and love her, than to feel nothing.

    I wish you peace and strength. Caron

  7. Michelle says:

    You are an amazing woman, Me Ra. I don’t know you personally, but feel connected to you emotionally. You have the courage to express your feelings so raw and openly while others (myself included) feel so vulnerable to do so. You speak what others wish they had the courage to say. Thank you for that and for helping us work through our own emotions.

    Happy Mother’s Day, Me Ra.

  8. Tess says:

    Dearest MeRa,
    Thank-you for bearing your heart and putting words to what many of us feel.
    T.

  9. Michelle says:

    Thanks you so much for sharing this..especially on a day like today when we try to put on that happy face when it isn’t to easy.
    You are such a beautiful and amazing woman.

  10. Addie says:

    These days or moments of darkness, they are mere chapters in your story. But they don’t write your story. You do. And you do it well. Two great gifts you and Brian gave your kids through this murky time was to show them that parents are human too and the honest and age-appropriate way you shared the truth of the matter with Pascaline. Who says Moms and Dads aren’t supposed to have off days or down times or even make mistakes? You are both truly insightful mentors for your children as well as all who know you.

  11. Wendy says:

    I certainly admire your courage this Mother’s Day and the past years of your life. You are an inspiration to so many people. Sonoma feels alittle further away now, but I can still feel the impression you had on us all. You are fabulous. Tomorrow is a new day!

  12. Dori says:

    Thank you for your transparency. Thank you for sharing who you are, what you’re learning along your journey, how you cope, how you love, how you suffer and keep breathing and moving forward. I celebrate you, along with the other Mothers in my life today. And I praise God for giving you Brian and the way He has obviously knit the two of you together. You’re spectacular. xo D

  13. Amy V. says:

    Me Ra,
    I have only been reading your blog for a short period of time. I truly believe you are a very strong remarkable woman. You are so very dedicated to your children and one day is not going to change that. You have every right to be down. You handle so much with such grace; it’s okay to need to step back and regroup now and then. In a few days, all will be well with the world again and your children will be there with their bright smiling faces to welcome you back. Happy Mothers Day and God bless you. Amy

  14. Carrie Hasson says:

    Me Ra, thank you for sharing yourself with us. You are a true survivor, and in your truth the rest of us feel hope. Hope that we too are survivors and that the battle to overcome those tapes that play in our heads is one we can win. It’s sometimes hard to stay connected when we’re in pain, but to be truly unconditionally loved is a blessing and something you deserve in your life. You are lucky to have a Brian, as I know I am lucky to have my rock. You may feel like you failed this weekend, but opening yourself up to be vulnerable, to be held, to be loved, that is a huge success and a gift you gave yourself this Mother’s Day. Your last paragraph made me cry. It is one I will read again and again. So many setbacks since the dream that was Sonoma, yet I still feel inspired and am determined to not let the voices of my past win. To me there is no greater beauty than truth, and that is what makes you, Me Ra, Stunning~ Happy Mother’s Day.

  15. Susie says:

    Not a dry eye in the house! Your transparency and honesty is powerful and has touched me as a mother in a way I cannot even express. Happy MOther’s Day to you, Me Ra. You are stunning.

  16. Denise says:

    Happy Mother’s Day, MeRa.

  17. Dana says:

    Me Ra, You know I respect you, your honesty and your giving and gracious heart. I have learned so much from you through your vulnerability and unending strength. It is always there even when you feel like you cannot dig any deeper. This is what makes you the amazing woman you are.

    Brian, I spoke to Me Ra about how I was touched (long before I ever had the good fortune of meeting you) by your warmth and love for your children she shared through the blog. My respect for you continues to grow after she so candidly shares your love for her here.

    You both are doing an incredible job of empowering women. Most importantly, you are bringing up two beautiful children who will continue to share the love and respect you have for those who surround them for the rest of their lives.

    What a beautiful legacy to build.

    Much love and many blessings to you and your family.

    xoxo

    dana

  18. Liza says:

    You couldn’t have said it any better. Happy Mothers Day to you with hope that the pain subsides…

  19. Jennifer says:

    How blessed you are to receive such a generous, honest, and true gift….the ability to be yourself….to wear your insides on the outside….to have your wounds exposed…..right in front of your loved ones, in your own home….allowed to be YOU even when it is not a neat and tidy package….the best Mother’s Day gift one could be given. Your family is amazing, as are you.
    Jennifer

  20. Shannon says:

    This is going to be a long one, so get comfy. First I have to say that I too think you are AMAZING!!! Second…”MOTHERS DAY” is JUST a date on the calendar for the card companies to make money, its a “HALLMARK HOLIDAY” If you have a hard time with “Mothers Day” because of your loss, & how you associate the two in your head….make “YOUR” mothers day a new day, a new date on YOUR calendar. It is your calendar that matters, not “Hallmarks.” Make “YOUR MOTHERS DAY” the fist Sunday after you see the first sign go up in a store, or even before then, or a month after, when you wont be effected by the association of your loss, & “Mothers Day.” You can even change the name to something like “Mommy Fun Day” or “PascaBlaze Day” again, its your calendar, you control it. Then, make Hallmarks “Mothers Day” a day for you to, at the very least, start out with time for you to reflect on your memories of your loss. Allow yourself that time, you need to make that time. Allow yourself to feel, to cry, & be OK with crying about it, cry in the shower, or the tub first thing in the morning & wash it all down the drain. Allow yourself to feel. When life happens to us, & it effects the way we view a Holiday, it is up to us to change that. Some holidays we can’t change, we can’t change the day that we celebrate, but we can change the way we celebrate them. Why fight the sorrow that you feel? Embrace it! Allow yourself to FEEL those emotions, you are supposed to. It’s not a battle that you can “win” its a feeling that you are meant to FEEL. NO ONE can tell you how TO feel, or how you SHOULD feel. You can try to battle your emotions, but the truth is, you will NEVER truly win, unless you accept them for what they are. It’s in the “fighting” with our own emotions that we loose…embrace your emotions, embrace your feelings, embrace life as it happens, & realize that feelings are a part of life. I’m sure your children were let down, because they didn’t get to go do whatever it was that they thought they were going to do, but you know what, they get over it, they are so RESILIENT. Look at how fast Pascaline did “get over it” once she understood what was going on. Children are so smart, & so incredibly intuitive….they just KNOW. The more you try to hide things, the more they are certain that something is wrong. The more you try to hide things from them, the more confused, hurt, & tormented they become, because again, THEY JUST KNOW!!! When we assume, as parents, they have no idea what is going on, we couldn’t be more wrong. They are creating a horrible story in their head of what is happening. I’m sure you can think of a time when you thought something was WAY worse then what it really was, or so far from reality, simply because you didn’t have all the facts. Once our children understand that we as parents have real feelings too, & are dealing with “grown up” stuff they are OK with it, & understand that whatever is going on has NOTHING to do with them, & THEY become OK with it!!!! Therefore, you need to be OK with it too!!! You are an AMAZING Mom, a “Stunning” wife, & an INCREDIBLE PERSON!!!! A “REAL” person. A TRUE person. A LOVING person. Qualities that your children LOVE about you already, & will continue to love & grow to ADMIRE about you!!! Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling. You are human, you feel, you cry, you laugh, you love, you live, that’s what you do, what we do. Sometimes, we just can’t control when we feel what we feel…..EMBRACE IT!!!!
    Now I will say “Happy PascaBlaze Day” (whatever its name may be, whenever it may be) I hope you have an AMAZING day full of all the laughter, & love that you can handle!!!!

    Much Love & Many Blessings,
    😉 Shannon

  21. Me Ra says:

    I just got home from a good day but long day. Your comments feel like warm arms wrapping themselves around me tonight. Thank you for that. Thank you so much.

  22. Laura says:

    A win is a WIN, and run with that hope!! It comes down to hope, and with a little shimmer of it, mountains can be climbed.
    Thank you for sharing your mountain.

  23. jeramy says:

    wow. your vunerability is pretty amazing. I think i’d have a tough time being that transparent to such a broad audience. i know that in times of emotional ups and downs in our life, I don’t always respond to sharon the right way. maybe i don’t know how, or what to say, or know exactly what she needs…but often, my bad response (or lack of) just stems from me, feeling like my world is out of control because my wife is having a tough time, and i’m helpless to do anything to fix it. is it about wanting to help her and not being able to, or is it about my little bubble getting messed up? thanks for sharing how brian did it right. it’s a good encouragement to me. take care…

  24. Carol Swales says:

    Thanks so much for sharing such true emotion with us, Me Ra. It helped me so much in one of your workshops when you said that “Mommy feels a lot” because I am a little bit like that too. I lost my brother over five years ago and am tearing up typing about it now. The grief just stays with me, and I live with it. You have been through so much, and yet you are so strong and so open. Brian is right, you are stunning! And you are an inspiration to all of us. Happy Mother’s Day!

  25. sharon says:

    I cherish and adore you and Brian so much!

    I have so many words and they are somehow stuck in my head…

    You said it so well.

  26. Me Ra – Thank you for sharing – you’re a brave woman to put so much of your emotion out there.

    You have several circles of friends and family who love you – draw strength from that. You have an amazing present moment and bright future.

    ~Bill

  27. Kari says:

    I can’t think of anything to say except: I love you.

  28. Sue Christianson says:

    Hey Me Ra,

    You are amazing! Once again you have opened up your life and shared it with others. Through your pain and transparency, you touch other’s lives. What I love so much about your blog, is that you are journaling at the same time as getting info out there and doing it so beautifully. This blog is truly a ministry at times and you don’t even know how many lives you are touching by your transparency. And that guy Brian! What a great husband he is.
    We love you guys. Have an awesome week!

  29. Your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you. This is my prayer for you MeRa! Thank you for sharing your pain, your heart, your truth. It not only brings healing to your heart and home…it is a gift to so many that stand alone in their grief and are not able to express it all so profoundly. You are truly beautiful! “Happy MaMa’s Day, which in all truth is EVERYDAY!”
    You are a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and child of God…anything else those voices might try to say are a lie! Love you…

  30. Sarah-Ji says:

    Me Ra, I know I’m a total stranger, but I was really touched by your vulnerability and openness with your readers. I hope when you are in your darkest moment, that comfort beyond words will find you and hold you and fill you with full acceptance of your array of emotions. Happy Mother’s Day. I know that you are just the mom your kids need.

  31. Me Ra,

    I have to say how inspiring! It brought up my own Mother’s Day feelings. I love how Brian said that you woud explain more to Pascaline when she is older. What a gift it is to your children! Showing this is Life and part of it.

    Love ya.
    Dinea

  32. Jennifer says:

    MeRa,

    I know I’m replying to this post long after you wrote it, but this one made me cry. You are an AMAZING woman! I say that with ALL sincerity. I’ve known you since high school and reading about your life again and getting to know you all over again has truly changed mine. I am speechless. You and I used to run the student store together at lunch and dream about our futures. Wow – you have followed an amazing path! I hope to hear from you sometime.

    Jennifer